(Note: This article is satirical in nature. If you have difficulty with sarcasm, don’t read this. It will probably just make you angry.)
To the church of Jesus Christ in the United States,
Grace and peace to you. May our Lord Jesus Christ continue to bring you an ever-greater freedom in your country that allows you to follow him and to force his commands and those who do not, for the sake of spreading His great fame!
I am writing to you today because I have a growing concern about your “freedom of religion” laws. Your main concern, I’ve been told, is that you should not have to be forced to bake cakes for gay weddings or photograph their abomination ceremonies! Shame on you! I thought you were wise in the ways of our King. Your focus is too narrow. Your application too conservative!
I propose that you pass laws that all sinners must wear indicating markers of their particular sin. This of course would mean we would need a court in place to identify these sins, but this would be a good system. (After all, the Lord Jesus Christ did call us to pass judgment on sinners!) Anyway, the indicating markers shall be worn to make Christian business owners aware, not only of homosexuality, but of greed, adultery, divorce, gluttony, idolatry, pride, vanity and the like.
In this manner, Christian bankers would not have to serve the greedy, because we all know that love of money is the root of all evil. Christian restaurant owners would not have to serve the gluttonous. Would that not be feeding their addiction? Furthermore, Christ-following businesses could also refuse service to those caught up in idolatry, vanity or promiscuity if we – those who know right from wrong – deem that it would be inappropriate for them to purchase an item or service that would continue them on the path of unrighteousness.
It is our duty as Christians to uphold the moral law of the land, to make difficult the way of unrighteousness, and to make our nations into God’s kingdom by force, law and public shaming! After all this is what our Lord Jesus Christ has done.
Continue to fight the good fight brothers and sisters as we seek to make the United States into a Christian nation once again. Do not let liberals persuade you with their narrow-minded ideas of freedom. We know that only by making God’s Law the law of the land can true freedom be found. Also, watch out for the wolves among you, the ones that preach that Jesus taught us to love and serve our enemies, and who speak the lies of seeking and saving the lost, or that non-believers will know us by our humble, self-sacrificial love. These words are nonsense and don’t speak to what Christ, our Lord, has done for us on the cross.
Always seek out your rights above everything. Don’t be afraid to shame and guilt people. Do not be unified in love, but be unified in combating those who oppose your views. Do not compromise. Do not preach hope for sinners. And above all follow the example of our Lord Jesus Christ.